Strong women say no

Are you doing this? Running rampid through town, around the house and thinking about what you need to get done tomorrow – right now? Yes, I’d be happy rocking these pins too, but let’s see how far the chase actually takes you.

I’m the first to admit to an OTT work ethic. While it’s paid off many times in the past, it’s like a drug. I know it’s bad for me, I’ve tried to kick the habit but on some level the chaos feels good. See it all seems to stem from a list. On the fridge, in the diary on a pretty piece of kiki-k ‘To-Do’ stationery (I’m a sucker for those) the list of tasks looks so structured and organised, even complete, on paper. It sits as a beautiful compilation of all the things I’m going to get done that day. There’s a mindset that it it’s on a list it’ll get it done, I’ll remember to do it.

The thing is I never actually forget. Remembering isn’t the problem. The list morphs from the paper into my head and becomes tattooed onto my brain, not as a friendly reminder (the tone of these lists get nasty), but as a constant reinforcement of what I haven’t achieved that day.

My mantra this week has been ‘Get.Your.Shit.Together’. Last night I laid myself to sleep planning out the day ahead of me. How organised I would be to have vacuumed the whole house in the hour between Harper’s bottle feed and breakfast. I’d have a whole ‘nother half-hour to hang some washing, get dressed, make the bed, do the breakfast dishes, pack Harper up and drive to the gym by 9.30am. Anyone with a child will be shaking their heads at this and not be surprised when I say I got no-where near that list done. And so that’s all I thought about… what I didn’t get done.

If someone kept telling you about all the things you’d forgotten to do, had given a half-arse attempt at doing or just ran out of time to do in the midst of chaos, that is your day, wouldn’t you tell them to back off? Wouldn’t you tell them that the reason your lounge room floor looks like a creche and your car appears to have taken on a 4WD track is because you just haven’t had a spare hour to dedicate to these jobs? Or maybe you’d whip out your diary? It’s jam-packed with work meetings, doctor, accountant and school appointments, just-need-a-decent-coffee-with-an-adult appointments and let alone tackling you’re daily sort-yourself-out schedule. Wouldn’t this be your instinct?

So do it. Tell yourself to back the fuck up.

Let’s just be a little bit more realistic. The ‘list’ does not control you. You control the list. And no matter how hard or fast you work there will always be something on the list. So it needs to be managed.

A very smart and endearing CEO once said to me, “If I see you here past 5.30pm, I don’t see that as you doing a good job. I see that as you not being able to manage your work load.”

Ouch. This knocked my whole perfectionist work ethic out reception’s front door. Fear was my first instinct and I had trouble comprehending his words. In my mind working harder, doing things faster and staying up late to fit more in was a way of life, especially in a (often egotistical) corporate world.

It’s taken me many years, a breakdown, a couple of therapy sessions and much willingness to ‘let-go’ but I now understand what he was trying to instill in his team.

Your list is your workload. Managing your workload means managing the unnecessary, staying focused, prioritising and most importantly saying ‘No’. Now this isn’t another take-control-of-your-life-and-quite-your-job kinda post. It’s a simple reminder that day-to-day we run the list. We manage the workload. We say ‘Yes’ and we should also be saying, and be ok with saying, ‘No’.

And ‘no’ this very word is not weakness, a can’t-hack-it attitude or a cop-out. It’s a conscious uncoupling of you from the list (thanks Gwenyth and Chris). It’s permission, it’s empowerment and it’s ownership. Take yourself back to a time when someone said no to you. Didn’t you feel like they had the power and the say-so? Didn’t you feel like you had to check back with them if it was ok?

So here’s three ways (another list) to try to start taking back your say-so.

1. Keep making the list. But pick only three items for that day.

My lists are epic. They’re comprehensive, detail oriented and completely unachievable. Don’t do this. Set yourself up for success and choose only three that you can achieve.

2. Verbalise it.

Say it out loud to yourself, the cat, dog, the baby – whoever or whatever. The most important thing here is that you put it out there. It’s no longer just a thought, you’ve part-way actioned it.

3. What’s the worst that will happen. Really?

Is it that bad? Will it really be the end of your world (or someone elses) if you say no? Put your big-girl pants on and give yourself a reality check on the situation – there’s a likelihood you could live with the outcome.

So, with every email, phone call, load of laundry, trip to the shops or errand you run – take back your say-so. Say yes when you can and say no when you can’t. Be honest. Don’t ignore the deep inhale when you know you’re taking on too much. You are a superwoman. But even she didn’t have super powers to do it all.

 

Image 1: via Vaunte.com Image 2: simplyseleta.com Image 3:  Lilian Ricano Image 4: webjunkiesblog

 

Author: stephaniehudsonstories

Celebrating the perfectly imperfect at tofindandshare.com

3 thoughts on “Strong women say no”

  1. Steph.. Great read.. Can definitely resonate with some of what’s going on here.. I used to do exactly the same all the time, and still do at times now. However, I’m learnt to calm my farm just a little these days. Being a mummy of 3, the house is never quite how I want it, waking out the door, and finding it in a state when I return could almost push me over the edge…haha.. But at the end of the day if I can count my blessings of having a beautiful family who I wouldnt trade for the world that come with towels on the bathroom floor, a sink full of dishes, and toys, here, there and everywhere, as apposed to a beautifully manicured home where everything glistened, I know in a heart beat which one I’d prefer.. I had a big struggle a few weeks ago… The pressures of work, study, 3 kids, and a partner not around due to long work hours, found me at buckling point. I struggle to study, because the whole idea is sitting at a computer for a few hours, while letting the toddler run rampid through the house leaving an image of somewhat looks like a tornado has hit, pushes my (somewhat small, but they still exist) OCD buttons over then edge. Nothing a good cry and vent to some good friends with some good advice couldn’t fix. These problems are minor.. Yes I’m overly busy now, but it won’t be forever. ( and much like yourself, because if were not busy enough, but then we take it to the next step, and these things need to be done to a standard) And like you said, if I go to bed at night, not doing my head in over the 1-2 baskets of laundry that I didn’t get too, then that is fine. I will still wake to 3 beautiful little faces, and that’s what’s most important in life!! ☺️ I think we need to go to sleep at night counting our blessings in life, rather than fussing over negative little things, that we didn’t get done..that really mean nothing. ( like the vacuuming. Ha)

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    1. Lol so, so true! I love the ‘calm the farm’ phrase. It’s a delicate balance. Sometimes it’s hard to count blessings if all that’s on our list is ‘to-do’. We need a little ‘look what we already did’ in there too. Recognise the wins, go easy on the losses. Be kinder, gentler to ourselves xxx

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      1. Very true Steph.. I think every woman battles their own little monsters inside their head.. Your so not alone. And venting.. Is such a good release. Well
        Done hun, and good on you for sharing and trying to help others. Xx

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